A Very Open Letter to Anderson Cooper

Dear Anderson Cooper:

Please stop going to dangerous places. Please? There are so many other journalists who are less beautiful and talented than you. There's no reason for you to go. Come on, Anderson, just stay behind the desk and send Sanjay Gupta and Ben Wedeman. Nobody even knows who Ben Wedeman is! Frankly, I am not sure if I'm spelling his name right, and I'm too lazy to check! Because I don't care about him, Anderson. Not like I care about you.

I know you like excitement, Anderson. I can tell that about you. You're dangerous, and I won't pretend that doesn't make you like a hundred times more sexy, but please! Stay home. You don't get attacked at home in New York. Well, you might, but that would be totally random. You are going places where people hate you! They want to smash your face!

Your face, Anderson. Okay, maybe we can compromise. If you're going to go to some dangerous place where people want to hurt you, can you wear some sort of old diver's helmet or a welding mask or something? Maybe CNN can design some sort of Pope-mobile thing that just sits on your shoulders, so we can still see you, but no one can scar that incredible face...

Sorry, I lost concentration for a second, Anderson. Is it okay that I call you Anderson? Mr. Cooper seems so formal, and I don't see you as a formal guy. I imagine you relaxing at home in your v-neck cashmere sweater, maybe some boot-fit corduroys. Do you like oolong tea, Anderson? I bet you do. I like it with some high-quality Tupelo honey. I bet someone like you has the best honey in the world sitting in your cupboard. You probably collected it yourself, and without a beekeeper's suit. You are so brave.

But that is exactly what I am talking about, Anderson. You live too dangerously! Come on home, Anderson. Stay away from radiation. Avoid the Arab nations. Just get a flight straight home. I'll have some tea ready for you.

Love Always,

Kevin Lester

P.S.  Stay away from bees.