Saint Patrick was an Englishman who, in his youth, was kidnapped and taken to Ireland, where he lived as a slave for about six years before escaping back to England. After joining the Church, he went back to Ireland as a bishop, where he is rumored to do a few great things.
Most notably, he chased the snakes out of Ireland, though, sadly, there is zero evidence of snakes ever existing in Ireland. He was also big on visual aids in his preaching. He is said to have used the shamrock as a tool for teaching the Irish about the Holy Trinity, which begs the question, "How many fingers did he have?"
He is also famous for his Shellelagh, pronounced racistly, "she-laaaay-lee." It's a walking stick. Rumor has it that when he would go up on a hill and evangelize to all the Irish folks, he'd jam that sucker into the ground. The story goes that one day, he had a whole hell of a lot of shit to say, just wouldn't stop yapping, and the stick was in the ground for so long that it took root and grew into a tree. So that's cool.
Now, the Englishman, patron saint of Ireland, is celebrated on the rumored day of his death. I can't speak for Ireland, but in America, it is quite the festival. So, here are a few tips for how to properly celebrate St. Patrick's day.
1. Bring a bag. A backpack works well, but a Camelbak is even better. If you don't know, a Camelbak is basically a backpack with a rubber bladder and a tube. Like a beer helmet for your back. You can fill it with whatever beverage you prefer, but might I recommend skipping beer. First of all, it usually only fits 100ml or so, and if it's sitting on your back all day, it will be warm and flat by the time it gets into your mouth. What I do recommend filling it with is tip number two.
2. Bring a lot of caffeine! I recommend red bull, but 5-hour energy is a more portable product, I suppose. You'll be hitting a bit of a slump in the early afternoon. It happens to the best of us. Starting the party too early inevitably leads to an earlier than expected crash. This leads to my next helpful tip.
3. Start drinking early. It's a weekday! You have work tomorrow, so If you're going to drink, you had better time it so you pass out at your usual bedtime.
4. Two words: piss jug.
5. Stay in highly populated areas. This makes all the difference. If you are going to bump into people and shout sexist, racist, and generally stupid shit throughout the day, you had better do it with a bunch of other people doing the same. It's the difference between being a publicly drunken asshole and an arrested drunken asshole. Also, when you are that drunk, you want to stay in the arena of mob rule.
6. Wear a shirt that is green, says something sexist, and has an arrow pointing toward your crotch. How else will the ladies be able to determine your intentions?
7. Do not puke into your piss jug. Splash back is a serious concern.
8. Fuck Lent. This is a feast day. Smoke your cigarettes, eat your chocolate, masturbate. No matter what you've given up until Easter, go balls out today.
9. Don't literally go balls out. The police are lenient on public drinking today, but not indecent exposure. It may be tempting, downright irresistible, I know. But fight the urge! Do not, under any circumstances, show your balls in public. Well, unless your male friends are standing around you in a circle, chanting and egging you on. Then, go for it. Otherwise, you're a fag.
10. Please don't pee on the side of my home.
No comments:
Post a Comment