Dear Nicolas Cage,
Do you remember young Nic Cage, Nic Cage? Remember that movie where you thought you were a vampire? That was awesome. Remember 90s Nic Cage? Remember your where-the-fuck-are-you-from accent that dipped in and out in Con-Air? Remember friggin Face-Off? The Rock? Do you remember when your hairline stayed in the same spot on your head? Remember pre-weave Nic Cage?
Do you remember when you didn't make terrible movie after terrible movie to get out of debt? Do you remember that, Nicolas Cage? Do you remember when you didn't beat your wife, get arrested, and get bailed out by Dog the Bounty Hunter? I remember that Nic Cage.
The you I remember was H.I. McDunnough, baby-thief. You had a receding hairline. In the 80s. Your hair wasn't jet-black. Your face wasn't freakishly pulled back. You won a fucking Academy Award! I even liked your marble-mouthed, sad-sack performance in City of Angels. I liked that move, Nicolas. I liked you!
And I trusted you, God damn it! I saw Lord of War in the theater!
Now, I just don't know what to do with you. I miss you. I miss the days where I could call you ugly because of your dumb cow eyes, not your wigs and plastic surgery disasters. I miss your stoic performances sprinkled with bouts of batshit flailing. I miss Castor fucking Troy! Where the hell did he go?
What happened, Nicolas Cage? Where did things go wrong? You were such a good actor in a couple of your movies. You picked decent scripts. You worked with Martin Scorsese. You certainly did not star in 3-D knockoffs of shitty movies you made ten years ago. And you didn't beat your wife. You used to go to jail for defending your wife's honor. Remember? Yeah, that was in the movie Con-Air, not your real life, but I had no idea what was going on in your real life back then. This is probably because you weren't fucking insane back then.
Maybe you were, I don't know. But if you were insane even back then, in the 90s, I had no idea. You know why? Because all I paid attention to was your movies, which were good enough to overshadow your possible insanity. Now, I have the choice between watching Bankok Dangerous or watching your face melt like a nazi at the opening of the Ark of the Covenant.
Thanks, Nic Cage. You are such an asshole.
Sincerely,
Kevin Lester
P.S. You suck.
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